It’s Not You, It’s My Cognitive Development

Imagine you are on a romantic date with someone and it is just not working out. They are a lovely person but just not your cup of tea…so you use the inevitable line, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. We hope it softens the blow and in some cases, it could be just your own situations and who you are as a person not aligning the way it should with someone else; ie: you don’t feel that spark!

Now, something to consider is what does that line ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ actually mean?

When you say something is part of you, your personality, your characteristics, etc what you are really saying is that it is from your development as a human and how you have been affected by life. That sounds quite scary and quite dramatic but you have a wholly natural self when you are born. However, after the first few seconds from that point, you are affected by life. This means you will go through experiences, create bonds with your family and carers, learn and feel emotions and everything else that you do throughout life.

The initial stage of your life (newborn to child) is where we develop the most (this is called ‘cognitive development’). That has a huge impact on our personalities and therefore, on how we create and maintain relationships. This means that it’s not ‘you’, it’s actually (part of…) your development as a baby that has shaped who you are now!

For example, if you were not picked up a lot as a baby or if you were picked up all of the time then it could be that you may have a tendency to be a little needy with some people. Nothing wrong with that but it explains a reason for an action. This is not a completely black-and-white theory but it is a stepping stone to realising that our experiences (including ones we don’t even remember) can have an impact on who we are. We need to keep in mind that there are also so many other things in our lives, such as the environment we live in, the people around us, the opportunities we have and so much more that also have a big impact too and are partly what makes everyone so unique.

Therefore, the next time you want to use the saying, ‘it’s not me, it’s you’…consider how much of it is really ‘you’ or how much of it is your reaction to your past experiences?